I hate waking up like this. I just wish she would wake up just for one second to check her phone. I can’t sleep, I can barely breathe. She’s the only thing that ever seems to calm me down. Dreams suck. And I hate thinking about my real family. I automatically get depressed. And I hate thinking about what would happen if I ever met them, because that won’t happen. I just wish I could have that one moment where everything was perfect and I could see my mom and give her a hug and just not let go. But that won’t happen ever. I guess all I can really do Is dream about it because that’s the closest ill ever get. I don’t understand how I can miss someone so much, and never met them, never seen a picture of them, and never heard their voice. But I do. I miss my mom. And there’s nothing I can do about it, other than sit in bed at night, and think up all of the memories I could have had with her if I met her, and think about all the things I want to know, like what she looks like, what does she do, just little things that never leave my mind. I just wish that I had seen her once before. Just a hug, or something, so I could know what it felt like so I didn’t have to dream about it. And so all my questions could be answered so I wouldnt have to wake up crying and barely breathing, and so I could tell her that I loved her. Because I do love her. But I’ll never be able to tell her that. That’s what really hits me, I’ll never get to see her, or hug her, or talk to her. For the rest of my life she will just be an imaginary figure, I’ll never get to have my questions answered, I’ll never get to have a memory with her, nothing. Like she never existed. I wonder if she ever thought about me, like what I looked like, what I was doing. All these things occupy my mind and I can’t deal with it, when I think about it, it’s just a constant string of questions, thoughts, and imaginary memories of what I wished had happened. But I can’t let it out. I have to hold my feelings inside because all I feel like doing is crying. And the feelings come out when I’m alone, in the middle of the night, and it doesn’t stop. If I had one wish and one wish only. It would be to see my mom once, so I could ask her the questions, and tell her that I loved her. And maybe then my depression would end, my thoughts would clear, and just maybe I would be able to be happy inside.